Count von Count VS. Edward Cullen – if you don’t know how this turns out, you probably glitter in the sun too

First of all, let it be established that I am NOT a Twilight hater nor am I a ‘Twihard’—let’s just say I am indifferent. I have not read any of the books (despite my mother’s SEVERAL attempts to force them upon me) and have only seen the first movie which was lost on me—aside from Robert Pattinson being a decent piece of emo-looking-vampire-eye-candy.

You may be wondering how this comparison came about… Vampires are fun and fun is cool. So, there you have it.

So let’s chat: Count von Count vs. Edward Cullen. I think the title of this blog explains it all, but if you are one of those teens whose panties get moist at the thought of Edward and think he is the bee’s knees, you better change into something dry and check yourself. The Count is 1000 time more of a gentleman and man-vamp than Edward will ever be!!!!

Edward, OH Edward…. while being extremely good looking, you are a total loser—going 90 years without a date until you met Bella. Seriously? No. SERIOUSLY? 90 years?? I realize you are frightfully boring with you monotone speech, incessant brooding facial expression, your sweeeeeeet Volvo, wallflower-like wardrobe, and getting your ass kicked ALL THE TIME, but you couldn’t get any for 90 years?! FAIL. In fact, you are such a lackluster lemon, the first girlfriend you had in 90 years jumped off a cliff and almost drowned. Way to go, Eddy. Epic FAIL. I guess being attractive isn’t everything…. AND glittering while in direct sunlight…don’t EVEN get me started on everything that is wrong with that. VAMPIRE + SUNLIGHT ≠ GLITTERING. What a douche.

Count…deastest Count…where do I even begin. You are the total package—although you may not be ‘hot’ in the traditional sense or have a reflection in the mirror (which may account for your style faux pas, but I can let that go—it’s not your fault), you are an intelligent, philanthropic, well mannered gentleman who is a lover of animals. Your enchanting gait and desire to educate children on simple mathematical concepts (such as counting) not to mention your pets (cat, Fatatita, and your many pet bats), have charmed many fine pieces of tail into you Countmobile—currently, Countess von Backwards and Countess Dahling von Dahling find you to be irresistible (naughty, naughty!). Your OCD and arithmomania drive your fellow Muppets batty, but your hypnotic presence always smooths things over. You are not like any other vampire I know.


In closing, Count von Count: 1; Edward Cullen: 0